Rarely in my Fifty Four Years have I ever been wrong. It is just one of those things I am blessed with. However I am holding my hands up on this occasion and declaring a lifelong error of judgement. I have been relentlessly critical of the Press and Television alike. I have blamed them for the deterioration of society, the mindless brain washing of the masses in addition to aligning themselves with the Government of the day as a propaganda machine. Their other transgressions are too numerous to list here but if you are the type of person I think you are, you know what they are anyway.

I was wrong! Yes difficult to come to terms with I know, but I was. If you have been of the same schools of thought, you were wrong as well. Whilst I still hold the media greatly responsible for all the things aforementioned, I have uncovered a group of “animals” far more dangerous in our midst that should be avoided at all costs who have covertly been aiding these media pariahs. Just like Chameleons they blend in with their surroundings. Like Wild Cats they move silently amongst us. They are as lethal as a poisonous snake and as powerful as a bear. Their stench can be sensed at a great distance by the trained tracker but generally they go undetected in a waft of perfume, money and shining white teeth. What are they? Yes you have guessed, celebrities!

Whilst the only way to present this very serious problem is with one”s tongue firmly planted in one”s cheek and with an air of humour and sarcasm, I urge you to delve deeper into this most serious of agendas being played out by the sinister controllers of our very souls. A Trojan horse has been delivered in our Lounge via a flat screen. A time bomb has been sent to our front door wrapped in Hello magazine. We are being subjected to mindless sounds through our radios and listening to the news they want you to hear. Who is making the delivery of these tools of war? Celebrities. They are no longer the minstrels and drummer boys, no longer are they court jesters and clowns. It is now impossible to define who and who is not a celebrity. But instead of being an arty performer or entertaining fool they have been awarded a new status. Important. With importance comes money; with money comes power.

So how do you become a Celebrity? There is no formula. Celebrity status can occur overnight and sometimes through tragedy.

Not far from where I live the tragic abduction and subsequent murder of a sweet little girl called Sarah Payne took place. Why the culprit is allowed to continue to be alive I am not sure but that is another rant for another day! I understand those who would wish their loved one not to have died in vain and who start up charities and campaigns in their memory. But I am afraid the desire to be in front of the cameras is a temptation that some seem unable to resist.

Soon after this tragedy I saw a documentary on one of my brief forays through the television channels and behold this little girls Mother and Step Father were being featured and paid for, to spend time with the Los Angeles police force swapping information about child abduction and the methods for bringing the perpetrators to justice! What the hell does she know about the subject. Why take advice from a woman who has allowed her very young daughter out of her sight in a field near a lonely country lane with just other children to care for her. She knows nothing about child care as far as I am concerned. It is like asking Gordon Brown”s advice on how not to lose your eye when playing Rugby. He does not know, because he did!

The pressure of this tragedy or the constant self sought media attention and world travel was too much for the Payne”s marriage and they split after he turned to drink and allegedly knocked her about a bit or maybe he could not bear seeing her ugly mug in another newspaper! The whole story became about them and not little Sarah. At the turn of the year the papers were full of pictures of her ( the incompetent Mother) and Gordon Brown (the one eyed former Rugby player) laughing and joking at Number Ten undoubtedly swapping stories of child care and health and safety on a Rugby field whilst she received an MBE! For what? She has become important and important enough to meet the Prime Minister no less.

Oh dear! Then there is Jade Goody. I am very sorry for her children and immediate family. But no more sorry than I am for any other person”s family who is losing or has lost a loved one. It is an insult to all us “nobodies” who are in the same situation that she got such a media outpouring of publicity and emotion. “Celebrity” is no longer an accolade bestowed on famous entertainers and the like, it is a qualification you earn through your marketable value with Hello and OK magazine. I am sorry Jade but your public display whilst shuffling off your mortal coil made me dislike you more in death than I did in life. “Celebrity” is now a celebrity on celebrity perpetuation of their own myths. I understand that Michael (I used to be black and proud but now white and disfigured alleged kid fiddling nut case) Jackson has decided he would like to go to her funeral. Obviously he sees her as a high profile celebrity whose bandwagon he can jump on whilst he is systematically conspiring to fall off his own. No change there then Michael! The self styled “King of Pop” tried to perpetuate this status by marrying the real King”s (Elvis) daughter who was only famous for being his daughter. What a bizarre plan! As far as I am concerned the only thriller surrounding this idiot is how soon it will be before his nose falls off!

Now, I am an egg chaser so I know little about the game known as Soccer. However I am led to believe by those that know about these things that one David Beckham is or has been one of the great exponents of this alleged art. So why is he more famous for earning money and spending it? Why is he more famous for marrying Posh Spice? Here comes the same plot … Whilst he is famous for marrying a Spice Girl she is more famous for marrying him than her self confessed inability to sing. Do I detect an agenda here of mutual admiration and self perpetuation of a “Celebrity Status”? I think so. The list of self perpetuating celebrities is endless. If a soap star puts in a great acting performance (few and far between) it would not make a headline anywhere, however flashing her womanhood whilst falling out of a car drunk as badger is a headline scoop!

So where is all this going? At the start of this “rant” I mentioned danger from these people, so where is it coming from? Well it is fair to say that many of these “celebs” are unaware of how they are being used. Laughably many of them think it is their own skills and charisma that is achieving their high profile. I am afraid the danger is created by all the same old villains. Bankers, Financiers, Members of Parliament and High Wealth Individuals. They have all come to realise that we now spot their agendas a mile off so have had to stand behind some more socially acceptable figureheads to the masses. Celebrities drew the short or the long straw whichever way you look at it. There is only one sadder group of people than these and that is people who have achieved something in another sphere and have become a High Wealth Individual but crave celebrity status. Are we seriously led to believe that the diminutive “barrow boy” Alan Sugar relies on those two grey boring planks he appears with on his show “The Apprentice” to advise him in running his empire? I don”t think HE runs it, let alone them! Why does he want to be a celebrity?

All those who watch big brother, buy into soaps, watch The Apprentice, read OK and Hello, believe great singers are made by Simon Cowell and that Ronaldo and David are really important people … are doomed! The rest of us will eventually get dragged down by the majority if we are not careful. These Celebrity myths have huge money and resources pushing them and paying them and of course brainwashing them in believing they are important. Was I dreaming or did that religious pious family man former Prime Minister Tony Blair invite those two obnoxious former Manchester car thieves Noel and Liam Gallagher to Number Ten for tea! He did! He made them important.

But probably behind all this evil is Saturn himself. He has arrived on earth to bridge the gap between M.P’s, money and all things powerful and the poor subjects of doom and enslavement …us. His name is … The Media Publicist. There are an increasing number of these blood sucking parasites and they must be stamped on at every and the earliest opportunity when they show themselves in the public domain. They are the purveyors of lies, lies and more lies. They are the brainwashers of footballers, models, pop stars and nobodies that fall into their grasp. The pinnacle of their evil was epitomised at the death bed of that “iconic queen of reality television, best mother in the world, bravest person on the planet, good friend of the tabloids and all round good egg” (thinly disguised bald joke) “Our Jade”, when it was her publicist (not her beloved family or the medical profession) Max (“I’m not making a fortune out of this, honest”) Clifford who telephoned a statement immediately after her demise that he insisted was read word for word. It read; “Max Clifford has just phoned into to say blah blah blah”.

Now, I have to be off as I must find someone “important” to stamp on.

Sir John Rants